Let your light so shine

Do you ever have feelings that are bigger than your ability to express them?

I sometimes envy people who are talented at expressing themselves, whether it’s through visual art, music, movement, written or spoken word, or any number of talents.  My own abilities are inadequate to express what is in my heart.   So I limp along doing the best I can with the random and limited abilities I possess.  I try to put my feelings into a piano piece someone else wrote because I don’t have the skill (or really even the desire aside from those moments of big heightened emotions) to write my own pieces.  I go running to express my emotions physically and the medium seems to only magnify the emotions building up inside.  Anyone who has conversed with me for more than five minutes has seen my great ability to stick my foot in my mouth, but it is certainly not a medium in which utilizes what I feel inside and trying to express my thoughts in written word is even worse.

I don’t think I’ve ever had an emotion so big I couldn’t express it that was negative.  Sure, I’ve been rip-roaring angry or devastatingly hurt before, but my biggest emotions, the ones that leave me longing to create something that conveys the vastness of the feeling, are almost always feelings of joy, happiness and peace, all of which are encompassed about by feelings of the Holy Ghost.

It makes sense that when I feel the Holy Ghost it sparks my need to create.  Despite how it may seem at times, I really don’t feel the need to create for others, but to ease the buildup inside.  I can only feel so much emotion before it starts leaking out.  I’m convinced that those who are talented in their mediums of creation probably have such talent because their emotions are so much bigger.  They are probably only able to express about the same percentage as I am.

It’s interesting that if you’re looking for it, you can sense that same feeling in the words of the prophets in the scriptures.

O that I were an angel, and could have the wish of my heart, that I might go forth and speak with the trump of God, with a voice to shake the earth, and cry repentance unto every people!
(Alma 29:1)

And thou hast made us that we could write but little, because of the awkwardness of our hands.  Behold, thou has not made us mighty in writing like unto the brother of Jared, for thou madest him that the things which he wrote were mighty even as thou art, unto the overpowering of man to read them.
(Ether 12:24)

I love that Moroni (who is the “speaker” in the scripture in Ether) mentions that he admires the writing of the brother of Jared.  I’m sure Jared still felt his abilities were inadequate to express what he felt.  Anytime you read about heavenly vision it is clear that the writer is struggling to express the expanse of his experience.

I’ve come to realize that it is impossible for us with our mortal abilities to be able to capture those glimpses of eternal emotions that we are able to experience through the Holy Ghost.  Knowing this it helps me understand one of the major reasons why our leaders plead with us so strongly to gain our own testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ through personal revelation.  There is no other way for the massive feeling to be explained other than experiencing it for yourself just as the five wise virgins could not share their oil with the foolish.  The desire to share is not in question, it is there, that is why we try so hard with our mortal attempts to share it, but only through personal experiences and revelation can each individual fill up their lamps with oil.

Sometimes the limits of my mortal body (which despite excellent health is still limited by it’s mortal state) are frustrating.  However, just because I can’t get it out doesn’t mean I shouldn’t continue to seek the feeling.  And although I’m not able to share what’s inside to a satisfactory degree it doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t share.

I love knowing that no righteous learning I do will be wasted.  Knowledge is eternal and any knowledge I gain in this life, even if I’m unable to utilize it in my mortal life, will be useful and needed when I no longer am bound by mortality or time.  I cannot wait for my abilities to catch up with my desires!

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